honestly, i believe the bible is a fictional read. a science fiction, if you will

why do we drink? because we love how our body and mind feel when we are not in control. why don't ridiculously religious people drink? because they hate the idea of not being in control. why do we pray? because we love the how our body mind and soul are in the hands of the lord. why do ridiculously religious people pray?

i don't like drinking all the time. that is just, generally, a bad idea. being religious all the time is the same effect. except, its a drug i don't want to be affiliated with anymore.

the back brace was invented to help people keep as sturdy spine, while lifting heavy things. unfortunately, people saw this back brace as an extremely comfortable device. naturally, they began to wear it as a regular part of their lives. to their dismay, the spine became Dependant on the brace, and when left alone, the spine was unable to support itself. the spine often broke, due to the back brace dependency. i feel like believing in a god is the same way. these people lean on their god as a crutch. looking to him/her for guidance, failing to realize, life goes on around them. my crutch is science and friendship. when i have a problem or question, i seek tangible help. my best friend, or a microscope. when life goes wrong, my friends will be there. they will be there to comfort me. to hold me. to buy me ice cream, or cheese. what does your god do for you? will your spine break?

I've prayed. i believed that i believed in god once before. i've been to church, or, churches, for that matter. i am not ignorant. if a god really does exist, why did he/she not answer me? am i stubborn for thinking that they have to call first, now? yeah, well. if it ever does call, who's to say i'll answer?

I'm a bad influence.

getting krump

i'm going to put on my tie, my jacket, and my shiny shoes. i'm going to attend a festive gathering. i'm probably going to be get very drunk. you have one more day. hear that? one more day. by then, you better be gone. i don't want to see you. i don't want to hear from you. i don't want to talk to you AT ALL! just go. you hear me, 2009? GONE!

two thousand and ten

if you are a member of society, odds are, you create labels. you're a label maker. these labels put restrictions on people, and stop them from living how they want. believe it or not, just because you say it does, your way of life doesn't work for everyone. I encourage everyone to take of that sticky piece of paper that once defined you, throw it away, and step into a new day. no more should different people go discouraged, no more should they go in fear, or rather, go no where. here's to a new year, a new tomorrow, a new beginning. *raise your glass high.

the spirit

the spirit of giving is my favorite part of this year. i had little to no money, so i made all my presents. so far, everyone loves them. i like them. i put a lot of work into them, and i like the out come. giving such good gifts pays off, too. i got a camera, a printer, and big homemade blanket, snow pants AND a bullet blender. i know, i know. a bullet. fucking. blender. wow. i love this day.

as much as i love my gifts, my brothers love them more. they got good stuff, but it seems that i got the best stuff. they are jealous that my parents "love me more." but i can't help it if i'm beautiful. they're bitches that aint shit! :) merry K'nishmas!

Warning signs

so, none of my friends appove of the ed boy. odds are, it is just a crush, and that it will go no where. but what if it does? does that mean that i can't see ed boy. i know that i make my own decisions, and what i say is final, but have you ever noticed after a relationship, most of the time your friends were right about that person. your friends know you best, and they know who is right for you, and who is wrong.to be fair, they based their opinion on him as a person they worked with, not on how he treats me. is that a big enough factor that should be taken into consideration? personally, i think so. they obviously are not seeing the side of ed boy that i am. but maybe, its because he's only showing me. or maybe it is because it is fake. or both. i don't know what to think. I do like this boy, but a part of me just thinks that i'm lonely. i don't want to settle. would ed boy be settling?

on a slightly different, but related note, chelsea sucks! i get drunk, say that i really want to do some things (to ed boy) and she helps me carry out my mission! mission fail, but she is supposed to be the one to tell me no! naturally, sober, i tell her what her duties are, and she goes insane! all of a sudden she is cock blocking me up the wazu! i am no longer allowed to even mention ed boy without a swat coming down! i want everyone who reads this to know, i have no intention of doing anything naughty with a boy any time soon, but alcohol makes me really really really want to do some naughties! i don't want a cock-blocker, i want a show stopper. someone who just reminds me that dirty party naughties are bad, especially when you're drunk. i wish that she was living this crush too, mostly so we could giggle about how steaming hot he is in the hot tub! ;)

Last night with the ed boy.

last night a friend of mine, lets call him "ed boy," came over and we went in the hot tub and talked for about 4 hours. my bed time is 10, he didn't leave until 2. work was hell this morning, but looking back, it was worth it. we're just friends. he doesn't want to hurt our friendship by setting me up for a broken heart. but i'm number one on the list for that time that labels vanish. go me, right? yeah, i like it too. having him as a friend is always far more important. one can die alone, but they are never really alone. but, keep in mind, i AM first on his list. that pleases me.

Crushed. the double literal

A certain someone told me that we could never be together. i respect that, but i don't believe it is true. i wish people could get past labels, and accept themselves for who they are. I had a difficult time with it, which is why i'm not pushing, but eventually i became something complete. i acknowledged what i wanted, and what i deserve. my ambitions were focused on actual things. i came out to my parents in July sometime. perhaps the 3rd. I was extremely terrified to do so. who wouldn't be? this could make or break how i am defined. if my parents didn't agree with my lifestyle, they could cut me off, kick me out, or worse, disown me. i'd have to find a job (having been jobless at the time), i'd have to have found a place to live, and a new family, because no one can live for very long with no one to love them.

after telling them that i was different, that i liked boys, i was more shocked then they were. my mother was surprised, no doubt, but i was shocked to see how little it mattered. my dad, he's kind of an ass, he wasn't surprised, he exclaimed, because i didn't play football, and was in plays instead. my father, in all his genius, fails to realize correlation does not equal cause. all that aside, my parents are very supportive. they support most everything i do. they cook meals that don't have animal flesh in every thing, because i'm a vegetarian. they also threw an Obama party to watch him being sworn in. we didn't actually watch. my mom doesn't support my drinking, nor does she condone it, but she doesn't try to stop it, and she promotes safety up the wazu. when i told them i was gay, they didn't seem to care. i got to keep my bedroom. i got to eat dinner with them still. they still loved me. sadly, its not the same for everyone. and i think that is his problem. he's afraid to give into himself. he's afraid of the possible out comes. can you blame him? i hated that feeling. and i knew my parents wouldn't care. he's so lost and confused. i want to help him. but most of all, i want him to want to be helped.

I'm falling real hard for this boy. yesterday he told me he liked me. he said he liked me a lot. he also told me he isn't gay. my heart was pounding. there isn't anything i can do to change his mind. this decision lies in his hands. i told him i'd stop talking to him, because when i talk to him i just like him more. he didn't like that. he said that he liked talking to me, and i like talking to him. he wants to be friends. am i a bad person for planning on sneaking charm into our friendship. i can't make him like me. can I?

I'm crushed twice. 1, i have a crush. 2, he doesn't like me. i hate him for not liking me. however, i don't. i'm his prisoner, as of right now. fuck.

inmates

I can't be your prisoner. i won't.

OK, i lied. i just saw a picture of Taylor, and just got sent back to jail. do not pass go. do not collect 2oo dollars. fuck.

Revelation

These last few weeks have been terribly difficult. everytime i would think about him, i'd break down. Not a single thing would go through my head without being drawn back to an event that happened with him. it was hell. I was upset at the fact that we broke up. i was upset that he told me we were just going to be friends, and i'm upset that he's not a very good friend. he never writes me. he never writes me back. he doesn't call. he doesn't even text! sometime, sometimes he'll text me back. actually, thats not true, he does text me back usually. i cannot stress what boys do to me. i can't live my life knowing that someday you'll be in someone elses arms.

the reason i skipped the details of our relationship is simple. I think i'm over him. Monday morning, he was on my mind. throughout the day, significantly less. and Monday night, nothing. and to be perfectly honest, someone else was. I kind of hate that.

I've told myself that having a boyfriend is not one of my priorities. but i think i've been lying. i love knowing that someone cares about me. and maybe i'm just justifying the idea of it, right now, because i'm inclined to think Taylor DOESN'T care about me. the worst part is, this boy isn't someone i should like. based on my first impressions, he's sleazy. Oh, and he's "straight." which never really helps anyone. however, he's one of those not so straight boys. based on my recent conversations, he's just afraid. but through these same recent conversations, i'm finding a lot out about him. he's sensitive, but he doesn't show it. he thinks sex is boring, and he's actually searching for love, which is the exact opposite of what i thought about him. I'm really kind of falling for him. based on my experience, falling is bad. very bad.

besides the fact that he's cute, sensitive and... actually, to be honest, he doesn't have that much going for him. he's super hot though. he's kind of a jerk. he's almost too honest. he's a man with no ambition. he doesn't respect very many people. he's a cheater. and probably more. but, he's also learning. he's changed a lot of his ways these past few weeks. he's being a different person, because, i think, he broke up with his girl friend. i think he's finally realizing that love isn't as easy as it looks. just because you spend time with someone, and they like you, it doesn't mean they love you. I've already figured that out, luckily, but i do not blame him for being a little behind. psh, i guess he IS younger.... (18.)

All the Stages

maybe we should start at the beginning. on May 19, 2009, i met a boy. his name is Nick. despite our fantastic week of romance, lust, and passion, he slowly became someone i loved, and hated. our first date was magical, we went to bear lake and sat in the water under the stars. the first kiss was magical, as assisted by moonlight. a midsummer nights dream, if you will. after we began dating, i quickly fell for him. giving him my everything. i was in love. but unfortunately, he did not return the favor. he told me he loved me, but he didn't mean it. he never did. and after a sinking ships waves its final goodbye, that chapter of my life was over.

struggling to cope, i bottled a lot of my frustration. talking to only those who knew enough about me to care. Cortney, Bridget, Chelsea, and my new friend Sam. Sam has been keeping an eye on me. She was watching me, hoping that one day, I would be ready to date again. Sam has a friend. his name is Taylor. Sam really wants me to date Taylor, so i start talking to him. at first, i had the impression that he didn't like the idea of me at all. every attempt to contact him was a failure, with no reply. But then, a response. Taylor is a very busy man. with two jobs at a time, school, some very conservative parents, and a heart as big as the poverty level, he doesn't have time to remember to change his routine. For the longest time, Taylor and I talked back and forth, asking questions, figuring out who each other was. Then we had our first date. It was an entire day of fun. several dates followed after that first, each marvelous, but could not quite touch number one.

On August 16th, 2009, i asked Taylor if he was ok with the fact that i was still mending my broken heart. I asked if dating him, while not being completely ready for a relationship, was ok. He gave me an answer. He exclaimed that he enjoyed being with me, and there was no point in rushing anything. He could wait as long as he needed to. something changed in me that night. suddenly, everything Nick put me through, was gone. I was ready to move on. At the end of the night, i dropped him off at his car. but before i drove away, i asked him a question. "Taylor Dewey Horn, will you be my boyfriend?"

So begins our Journey.

1

On November 19th, 2009, by boyfriend broke up with me. where should we start? needless to say, everything i write here will be about me, my pains, my struggle, and my sorrow. i can't imagine why anyone would follow a follower.