Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Group Formerly Known as BOB.

One, two, three, four!

We roamed the halls without a care in the world. The only thing on our mind was what was for lunch and the weekend to come. Altogether we were bob plus me. Me being the boy, the guy, the man. And bob of course being my three female best friends. One was pretty, smart, athletic. She seemed to have it all. But she was a bitch. Two was pretty, energetic, spoiled, and fun. She seemed to have it all. But she was a bitch. Three was pretty and driven. She had nothing to work with but all to fight for. She too was a bitch.

One grew up in the most suburban of homes. Mom, dad, two younger sisters. She made her way from butch to beauty in a mere three years. By the end she has a beautiful smile and gorgeous hair.

Two has had a difficult life. Two moms, but neither of them loved her as they should. Two dads who were just there. But not much help. She was on the fancy side; family drives nice cars. They live in nice houses. But the bruises tell a different story.

Three had very little. She lived with her mom in a two bedroom house with all her siblings. She is yet to have her own bedroom. Barely making ends meet. But always seems to look good.

I knew two first. She broke my heart. I asked her out, and she said yes. But then a week later she dumped me. She moved away and I was happy as could be. One introduced me to three, but two is how I knew one. One and I became friends when two was gone. I said “hey, you are two’s friend right?” and she replied “yeah, but now I’m yours.” And so it began. At first it was a simple acquaintance. But then it grew into something much more. Something fun. Fun for all of us. One was my best friend. She and I would strut our stuff through the halls of junior high knowing that we were the shit and that no one could touch us. We would find a toy store out of a piece of card board, and a candy shop out of a single piece of gum. We loved life. Nothing could kill this high. Three and I were really never great friends until ninth grade. We never had our moments. Not yet. One was the first one to break the silence. Then she was totally dorky. But now she is the shit. We would eat lunch together. Play together. Make movies together—Joke, laugh, kid, wrestle, pound each other’s heads into glass windows while trying to convince each other there was a doughnut on the other side.

I slowly moved into ones locker. And in turn into three’s as well. We were happy. But then I heard them call two’s name over the intercom. At first I was mad. Who the hell does she think she is? She can’t just come back. No, I still hate her. But then I let my thoughts wander. And I found myself imagining her and me together—again. This time it would be different. I would love her and she would love me. And only me. But I couldn’t very well just jump right into that. Plus… she had a boyfriend. I hated him. Two was my first real love. Slowly, I became friends with two again. Talking on the phone, hanging out, chillin at the water cooler—but it never happened. I’m glad it never did. Three and I, by now, were friends. We could hang out just us two. We didn’t, but we could have. That summer before ninth grade is when it was official. They were hence forth referred to as bob, but only by me.

High school began and things were awesome. Love interested bloomed from one, two and three, but not in that order. Two still had the upper hand; three was next, followed closely by one. As it failed with all of them, the idea of a relationship beyond friendship was pushed under the carpet. As high school progressed, one met four, making us more. I dated some random number, as two was with a string of read heads and three was with strangers. Four seems to be the only one to stay.

Soon after high school, three fell out of our lives. ‘Twas I, one, two and four—we were real cool. Then, again, as it seems, another seemed to slip through our fingers. But not before we meet five. Five is a cute girl in a normal life. She is pretty, funny, silly and driven. As I was saying, two began to fade. She became a mere memory even with our best efforts to keep her intact. All is well that ends well, though. I, one, four and five are having the time of our lives.

Of course, the numbers don’t stop at five. Our numbers have only gotten greater. There is six, the used-to-be curly headed fuck who we adore, caring, passionate and in the army, six is who we live for. There is seven, eight and nine, but they’re just siblings of one. Ten I met through a friend. She is pretty, silly and a bit of an alcoholic, but that is what we love most about her. She does things by year, perhaps because of some OCD she’s got going on. Yes, the numbers go on, too many to count. But who wants to spend time counting when we could spend time having fun? My number = adventure, and it is so much better than math.

On the occasion, I do miss the group formerly known as bob, but I don’t think they miss me. I try to keep in contact with three, but I feel as though she thinks she is better than us. But we really just want her to come back. And while I miss three a whole lot, I hope to never have to deal with two again. One phase of my life I am happy that it’s complete.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Not Till the Sky



Lets look back at the year. Lets turn our heads, open our eyes and see what we were. Who we were. What lessons we've learned. How we've grown.

People learn lessons everyday. Some lessons are for a guitar, as teenagers and middle aged men want to learn to play. Some lessons are harder learned. Lessons as "simple" as behavioral sciences of the schizophrenic mind, or as complex as trust. Those who learn these lessons have a pulse; they breath, walk, talk, eat, sleep. They are just like you and I. But what keeps those miraculous little muscles dancing?

The heart is a miraculous muscle. It not only pumps our blood for our own health, but it functions as an alarm as well. The heart alerts us when something is frightening. When things are glorious, exciting and scary. It tells us when we're in a place we shouldn't be. A single chest begins to pound when walking down a dark alley way, or in a house full of drugs. The heart also tells us when we know we're in the place we should be, whether it be among friends, or in the arms of a loved one. Have you ever felt that feeling of flight? That feeling of escape. The feeling one feels when words are whispered. Three simple words can take your breath away, but not because the lungs can no longer release the contractions they create, but rather because the blood is suddenly rushing from one end of your body, to the next. It has to pass through your chest; through your heart. Millions of cells are at work for three simple words. The same millions of cells are at work for the words that are never said. They work for those who never get to hear the words. For those who long to hear them. I love you.

We're all looking for one thing; that is something we've all got in common. Many artist write songs about the phenomenon, many groups of teenagers and young adults sing drunken songs about the concept. A brush is touched to a surface with the idea in mind. A dancer warms his body in preparation to glide across a stage. A father prepares a favorite meal, a mother leaves early from work, a dog wags his tail; all in the name of love.

But what is this thing we call love? Is it something you can buy? Is it something you make, borrow or steal? Does love expire? Even now my cursor blinks in search of a definition of the word. What is love?

Many people wake up everyday in hopes of finding the answer to that question. They clean the house, go grocery shopping, take the kids to school, rake the leaves, attend class, mail bills and letters, and ignore or embrace thousands of thoughts while doing it. Is it not always on one's mind? Subconscious, dormant, hidden from immediate thought. Love is what we're always thinking of. When will I meet him? When should I ask her. Will he say yes? What if she says no? Where should we go to dinner? I love her. I love him. I love you. I love you too. these are the subtext thoughts to all things said, thought, written, read and heard. But our question remains, What is love?

Is love not being able to keep someone out of one's mind? Having them always on the train that we call our thoughts? Riding through one's everyday, comfortably, with a pillow and a tasty drink? Is the absence of love, therefore, not having that person on one's mind? I don't think it is that simple. I feel as though love begins before that moment.

Every time one opens his or her mouth to say the words, "I love you," he or she is not only expressing the love for the person meant to hear it, but to him or herself. That sentence begins with the word, "I."

Love begins with oneself. The ability to love oneself is power. It is, as I believe, the greatest power there is. And this is because I believe love is what powers the world. One may hear the words, "Above all, I believe in love." Or, "All you need is love." Every one assumes that these words mean that we should all find someone to love, but what we're missing is that the one we should love the most, is ourselves. I'm sure that there is a biblical scripture denoting the same concept, but I'm not about to find it.


How can we share love, when we ourselves don't hold it. How can one have a best friend, when one doesn't get along with him or herself. I am my own best friend. I have the most fun with me. I'm always there in the times of need; my shoulder is the closest for my crying eyes to fall on. I'm present at those moments that we think of when we hurt, when we want to laugh, or when we're being attacked by Dementors.

I am excited to share what I have with someone else. Because if they can feel a fraction of what I'm capable of feeling for myself, that person will know that my love is honest. They will know that my love is true.

As strong as I am, and as ready to love as I think I am, I'll wait. I'll wait to go after you. I'm not ready. But I will be one day, and when that day comes, you can bet that I'll be at your doorstep.

Marvelous will happen again.