Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Roommate Wanted

Several months ago I drafted this to find our perfect friend.

Roommate wanted.

You know, its that thing where you need a place to live and I need someone to live in this extra room. It’s great, because we scratch each other’s backs.

What we’re looking for:
Someone cool
A student
21 or older
must be pretty
must be reclusive
must not smoke
preferably a Slytherine (for complimentary purposes, negotiable)

Who you’re applying to live with:

2 males, 1 female
quirky people
Neat freaks
Super cute

Of course, we’re looking for the ideal roommate. Someone that we never see (at least until we get to know each other, no one likes awkward situations), someone that doesn’t judge us for watching way too much TV, and someone that keeps up on their dishes, diligently. We are 3 open minded people, outgoing and fun, looking for same. Truthfully, we enjoy a glass of wine every once in a while, but sometimes we get bonkers. It’s great. Champagne/pizza/the works.

The walls are sometimes paper thin, so we prefer that you neither have anyone over ever, nor talk about what you hear when we do. We like to entertain, but we hate meeting new people. So if you must bring friends around, do so slowly, and only if these guests are quiet and easily mocked.

Rent and other things to know:
Asking $300 for a bedroom, with around $60 per month for utilities. There is space for storage in the basement and garage, as well as some other areas. There is no option for a pet. House chores are divided among everyone.

Submit application with a $20 bill through mail. Address: [omitted for security reasons]

Thursday, May 29, 2014

From the Safety of my Car, I Yell

My new bedroom in Logan has a window that is parallel to the street out front. This is a busy street. The complex we are staying at has a parking lot (full of stalls that are too small for most cars) that fits right between my window and the road. Now I'm not saying I'm incredibly surprised, as this town barely has 2 bars, but when a gang of youths drives by and screams at my friends that are sitting on their porch out front the complex having a good time, I... I start to feel.

The phrase they screams wasn't nice. Rather, the words themselves were harmless, but the tone and context was hurtful. "Look at all those gay kids out front! Look at all those gay kids!" For those of you that don't know, I am working with a theatre company here in Logan, UT for the summer. And yes, many of us are gay. Especially the men. That's what happens in theatre. I can only assume that those in the car driving by were not gay. Or maybe they were... I don't know. What I do know is how it made me feel.

Upon first hearing it, I wanted to chase them down. But as I am in my bed, not wearing pants, and in no way capable of flying or rapid movement, I was forced to feel something else. My second thought was to yell out of my window, "I think you're all beautiful!" But just like that time I tried to sound like a crashing car, I knew immediately that I would not sound like a speeding car filled with more loving support... I instead did nothing. Because that is who we are as people.

We leave each other to deal with our pain alone. Though those jerks were screaming at my friends outside, they were talking about me, too. Because I am one of those gay kids. It reminds me of the time a transient woman lashed out about Ellen Degeneres' alleged divorce. "That's disgusting. Look at this. This is a woman married to another woman. She must of had a shit father." To which I mouse-ly replied, "I'm sure she had a wonderful father." I then completed my transaction and went on my way, only to regret not having a stronger voice in the matter. I don't know how to be the advocate that we need. I want to show people that we are all capable of being good people, that we are all capable of having real and good love. I want to do that without being violent... But my first instinct was to chase those youths down and be aggressive.

This is it. This is the place. The place where we as a society foster a mind set that hurts people.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

The only person I've ever loved got married this weekend.

I don't recognize these feelings.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Edit In the Morning

I lay here on my 10 dollar DI couch, as my friend sleeps in my bed, thinking about a multitude of things. Many of my friends have spent the weekend at Comic Con (SLC fist) and a few others have gone to Audra McDonald. I wish more than the first that I could have gone to Audra. I should not have spent 50 dollars at Ross, even though my clothes are SO CUTE!

Anyway, I am a little bit, unintentionally, listening to my roomate and her boy thang. I did just say thang. They are giggling after a nap, which should have been a sleep, as it is well past 1 am. They're just chit chatting now, but I suspect that they will bang soon. I hope that I finish this post and fall asleep before the noise keeps me up. I am very drunk, though, so closing my eyes is not an essy thing.

I am wondering if they're in love yet. They are obviously so cute together. He's charming, she's beautiful. If they try and have babies I will push her down the stairs. At what point does someone begin to love another someone, and at what point do they either realize, or admit that this is true? If this is love, when will they know it.

Here's the thing. I believe that V has earned her right to love. There are a sea of trials that one must first face to b able to really fall in love. At least fairly. You see, I know someone who has ignored all these trials, and skipped all the lessons, and pushed away all the pain that would have led her to happiness by share.... But the problem is because the is blocking these moments, she will not find it until she faces these things. If she knew that she were only delaying the hopefully inevitable (oxy), she would probably, honestly, become socially suicidal. She is not the kind of person to be self aware. Because being self aware is knowing that she doesn't like herself––with her standards, I just know she wouldn't. Sadly, this is true.

If she knew... Deep down, I think she does. But she spends so much time being ignorant of the things that are fact... She goes on dates, she has sex, she cries. The weird thing is, she doesn't even like sex. She just does ti because she likes the idea of men thinking she is pretty. She does not realize that she is NOT a piece of meat. Despite our telling her so, she does not listen. She does not listen any of it. Instead, she rows on, merily, into darkness. Only to wake up, hating herself and life. Just to put her back into denial and the never ending hole of self hatred.

If she were to just take a break... Just not date anyone, just be alone. I think that she will find that she is not only human, but capable of being truly loved. And therefore, hvae the ability to truly love in return. But alas, she is not home tonight. I assume that means her date is going well...

From the couch,
Edit tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

A Look at the Stars

My previous entry was a letter I wrote to my old boyfriend. Note that I called him an old boyfriend instead of an ex. I had heard once that ex was a harsh word and usually noted a demeanor of depression or ill feelings toward the relationship. Well I'm happy to announce I no longer have any ex boyfriends. I only have old relationships.

This is a big stepping stone in my life because for too long, about a year, as per usual, this breakup has haunted me. It actually turned me into a different person. Not so much a different person, but a more cynical one. I still found comfort in the same things, friends, giggling, beer & pizza... And I still liked the same movies (new favorite: Safety Not Guaranteed. Also, stoked for: The Way Way Back), I still liked the same music (though a phase of Adele did hit my ipod every few weeks), I still followed my same dreams. But still, I stopped announcing I was happy for people's engagements, and I stopped giving advice, knowing that eventually all relationships fell apart. I even began to see my misery as the only misery there was.

This last ail was especially difficult to handle. I could see people I love break down before me and I would look at them in wonder how they could possible think they hurt more than me. That notion is ridiculous, especially when compared to my friend who is now an ex-wife of a teenager-seeking-adulterer. I could see my friend dying and I could feel nothing for them, simply offer them a look at the stars.

This has all changed because I've come to peace with my broken heart. And you know what? I'm ok.

I even met a boy. I like him. A lot. He's a 3rd grade teacher starting his first year this fall. It is fascinating to watch him get excited about his classroom. Additionally, he is a good segway to my news. I've passed my CAAP exam, and pending my final scores in my Math Class of Death, I will begin my Teaching block in the fall. I cannot express how ready I am to get MY own classroom. I hope this boy likes me, too. We're taking it much much slower than my other relationships.

Already we've gone on about 10 date-ish things and have declared nothing. This is so unlike how I usually operate, but I'm in no rush. I'm just rediscovering that I have a heart, and how it feels to feel excited about a boy again.

The stars have helped me feel again.

Monday, June 24, 2013


Today I accidentally came across pictures of you and your boyfriend. I didn’t do it on purpose, the internet suggested that he and I be friends. I guess I don’t actually know that the two of you are together. I honestly thought that seeing you with someone else would be hard, and it was... But also I am happy for you. You look happy.

I don’t know why I’m writing this message. I guess it is my own way of admitting that I’m over it all––over you. I’ve ignored the idea for so long that I just assumed that I had moved on... until a couple of weeks ago when it hit me hard again. But there was a picture of the two of you that just was incredibly adorable. He seems like he really likes you, which is a good thing. You deserve to be with that kind of person.

I hope you’re doing well. I’ll assume you graduated––with departmental colors, no doubt. I hope you’re finding work and that your dreams are coming true. I wanted you to know how much I learned from you. You taught me about stability, independence, family, love, and a slew of other things, and for that I will always be grateful.

Also, I’m very sorry for the mean things I’ve said about you. I was in a very vulnerable state when I wrote those feelings down. There was no other way of dealing with my loss, other than letting myself hate you. You are a good person and you held onto our relationship for probably far too long. Additionally, your teeth look amazing, but as I said, your old smile will always be my favorite.



Sunday, May 5, 2013

Long Time

I'll be the first to admit that it has been some time since my last post, and in fact one of my Southern American friends has pointed this out recently. The fact of the matter is this: The semester that has just ended was by far one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Beginning with school, I passed all of my classes except one. I know, I'm a senior how can I afford to not pass a class... Well this class was fucking ridiculous. Grammar Style and Usage. I was hoping it would be Grammar, style, and usage, but no such class exists. Instead we learned about this weird sciency shit goes into grammatical choices. It was dumb. Not at all in defense of the oxford comma like I had hoped.

But still, I made it out on top. I worked at the testing center throughout both spring and fall semester, giving me enough cash to be able to keep from starving every day. Additionally, I held the position of Publicist this past year for AAT. This position was like a full time job for me. I managed different events, publicized different events, and attended and participated in different events. If anyone says that I don't do things for the members, I may shoot. The cool thing about all my hard work is that it was recognized. I got the AAT scholarship this year! I am so honored to be the recipient of such coolness. I'll add that to the pile of scholarships for the year. I mean to say, I am also the honored recipient of the Alex Morris Scholarship of Technical Theatre. It's a big one and with my (hopefully) tuition waiver, I can start paying off some student debts.

I moved out. I needed to. I loved living with my parents and with Lilee, and even Talisa wasn't bad... But the constant occupation of the refrigerator by half attended, never to be bothered with again, cans and bottles of various substances was enough to drive this simple man insane. Additionally, I will be significantly closer to the school, which is so cool! I'm living with my friends Eden and Veronica. They're great so far, I just hope I don't murder them for not tossing the cupcakes that have been sitting out for some time.

Tomorrow morning I start my new job at the Alumni Center. I'll be working as an office assistant. I don't know what that entails, probably office shit. I am whelmed by such a task. I also hope to continue my physical endeavors tomorrow, in way of exercise. Though, I forgot my running shoes at my parents house so unless I manage to make it back that way, I'll either forgo such endeavors or run in my Chucks...

I guess you'll be asking yourself if you care about any of the above information right about now. I don't care if you care. I care. I love all that stuff. So read it and be happy.

I'm happy.
I really am.