Dog as an Anagram.

Every time I try to determine my religious views in a blog or on paper, I struggle on whether or not to capitalize the word "God."

On the occasions that I write god, I assume he/she will proof read it and change it for me, before it is submitted. Or is it me who is motivated enough, hopeful enough, to write God? Am I the one who decides? If I write god, will God punish me? If I were to write God, would god himself/herself be disappointed?

It doesn't ever change before submission, which leads me to ask, "How do people spell my name?" Does derek even care? Do people lie awake and think about Derek, derek, or just about [Gee] oh Dee?

Murky Waters

I just keep telling myself that things are ok. That I am ok. And yet, when I see pictures of him, my chest starts pounding. I literally just hid him from my news feed on facebook. I don't want to delete him, because I know what that is like... But at the same time, I'm sure he wouldn't notice if I were gone.

The worst part about it is that I can only hide him until I refresh the page. Then he is back in all his glory. Mocking me. Hurting me. I wish this would end.

Not just another day, but everyday.

I never really got a chance to catch our fall. I never got a chance to put up my defenses. Within a flash, it was all over. No dramatic music, no foreshadowing. It just happened. The only clue I got was that night at dinner, he seemed so distant. I didn't catch on until I noticed he wasn't holding my hand. God, I still feel the same pain I felt that night. It hurts to think about it. I really have nothing sacred. Nothing that doesn't remind me of him. After all these months, days, hours, minutes, seconds... after all this time, he still passes through my thoughts most every second. It is almost as if he left yesterday, or today for that matter. I try to keep my mind occupied on other things, but it doesn't really work.

The truth is, if he talked to me, it would be different. If we saw each other every once in a while, I would see him as just another friend whom I used to date. But the cold truth is that he doesn't talk to me. We don't see each other. I doubt he even thinks about me. I doubt he's going through what I am.

The sad thing is, if he were to talk to me again, I would take him back. I suppose it isn't really that sad considering it was the best thing I've ever had. We never had a falling out. We never had a fight. We never did anything to each other that would make it a better life to live apart. I would love to take him back. In fact, that is what I think about. I think about how we dated, and how it is possible we will one day date again. I just wish I knew that was a true thing.

I still hate this.

You can learn how to be you in time.

As my time here on Earth grows, I wonder. I wonder if my time on Earth is the only time I have. Is there time to be spent else where? And if there is, do I deserve to spend it?

My faith in a god has ranged from up to down. I've believed, I've refused, and I stopped caring. And when asked what my religious beliefs were, I never really knew just what to say. I've searched and I've searched for the answers. I've asked for guidance and I've observed others receive. I never really quite understood how someone can tell me to believe in god, when I don't feel God believes in me. If I'm really a part of his life, then why isn't he a part of mine. He, or she, isn't absent from a lack of trying to make that relationship stronger. To be honest, so far my experience has been similar to my relationship with my pet dragon I got on my 17th birthday. I really only thought about him once, it just so happened to be in church.

I've explored religions. Not through text, but through the heart of someone who loves who they are. I've witnessed great faith and I've been explained the inner workings of the Lord and his church. My question is which church is the right church. After a couple of years, I came to the realization that the question is not which church, but why church. I suppose my feelings on church are similar to my feelings on marriage. If the relationship is strong enough, why does a couple need a piece of paper to prove that they're together. Why does the LDS church seal their wedded husbands and wifes for eternity. If the relationship is strong enough, I feel it will be the same through anything, without losing integrity, even through death. A relationship with god should be the same. If you feel strong enough about god, why should anyone conform or compromise their moral beliefs to match that of their churches. If you love god, he'll understand if you don't wear a skirt on Sunday. If you love God, he'll understand that you slip the F word into your vocabulary once in a while. If God loves you, you'll understand that he doesn't care if you're LDS, Catholic, Buddhist, or Jewish. When God loves you, you'll understand that he means for you to be in love with the love of your life. It doesn't matter if that is a man, or a woman. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman.

If someone believes that Marriage should be reserved for one man and one woman, that is fine. To be quite honest, I don't want to be married. defense of marriage is asinine, and defending something so false and fake is too. Marriage doesn't mean anything for those who don't have love. Most marriages end in divorce anyway. What a real marriage needs isn't a ring, it isn't a piece of paper, and it isn't a family. What a real marriage needs is love. What a real relationship needs is love. All you need is love. I stand by that statement. I believe the root of everything we do is out of love for someone, something or another. I believe every choice we make, is our own. We make it on the spot, right then, right there. There is no plan. There is no map. Every single person on this planet is different. One thing we have in common, though, is love.

I also believe you can fall in love with anyone. Unfortunately, this includes those who are less than healthy for you. One can fall in love with a drug addict, a selfish prick, an insensitive asshole, an abusive, power hungry tyrant, or a man. I believe you can also fall in love with a woman. Anyone who tries to tell me differently obviously has not experienced that sort of love, and may never experience it, but it doesn't mean it cannot happen.

The secrete to life is love. Love is all you need.

Fucking Craig.

I just heard my brother and his two friends snorting coke in my bathroom. What the fuck?

YourLand: The Rides, The Food, The Fence.

One day we'll find ourself living in someone else's world. One day we'll come to the actualization that that world is shit! The food is terrible, the rides have long lines, and the games cost too much! One day we'll find ourself saying, "This place is shit!" One day we'll get brave. One day we'll venture out into the world in search of our own world. One day we'll find it. The trek will not be easy. Not for most of us. No one paved the road to paradise or guaranteed it would be nice. In fact, it is probably filled with poky-ass bushes, ugly flowers, and dull, savage dirt roads. Yeah, poky-ass bushes. Bull shit, right? Well, it is something that we'll all have to face. To get to the heart of what we want, we've got to dig through the shit we don't. I can't promise that once we find YourLand that the gate will be unlocked and open. Sometimes we come so close, just to find that we left our fucking key at home. Fuck. But you know what? We've come this close. I say fuck it. Lets hop the fence. So we do. We are finally in our own land. Derekland, ThomasLand, BridgetLand, YourLand. The cotton candy is succulent, the games are enchanting. There are children running around, having a grand time (no kids in DerekLand). The rides will be twice as high, and twice as exciting, while the joy never ends. YourLand is home. Yourland is where we'll stay. One day you'll find yourself in YourLand. One day you'll realize that YourLand needs to be shared. One day YourLand will become OurLand with someone special. OurLand is home. Thats where we'll stay.

I'm ready to be in love. But at what cost?