More Wit Than Hair

“Never Play With The Feelings Of Others, Because You May Win The Game But The Risk Is That You Will Surely Lose The Person For Life Time”


― William Shakespeare

Holiday Hooty Whaty?

Until this year, I've always enjoyed school. It has been challenging, but I got shit done. This year, however, I am so over this shit. I have never considered dropping out as seriously as I am right now. I have absolutely no motivation to do my homework. I don't like several of my classes, two of which are online. And I am already 20+ essays behind.

All I ever do is complain. I wish so hard that I could fix that about me, but when I start to, I just complain about how hard it is. I also wish that I was able to focus long enough to get something done. Now more than ever I am distracted by what is "THE INTERNET." Warn your children now, that shit is zombifying.

I think I have ADHD. I know that is just an excuse for why a student isn't doing well, or a scapegoat for idiocy... But I really think I have it. I refuse to believe I am dumb. Although sometimes I suspect it. I also suspect that this problem could easily be cured by an attention span that I don't have. I just want someone else's mind: I'm sick of my own.

I have a test today. I really should have studied for it yesterday, but as it was Sunday and ample time for doing such activities, I did nothing (all day) instead. Literally. I just sat, did nothing, and complained in my head as to why I was doing absolutely nothing. I looked at my homework list... But ultimately, it was boring, so I did nothing instead.

All of my classes suck. Except one, but I suck at it. I haven't done any of the reading, I haven't done any of the work. I do show up everyday, though... That's got to count for something. Even now I wish I were on FB knowing that FB has nothing new that I didn't see four minutes ago. MYBRAIN.

I will get diagnosed, and I will get medication, and I will do my fucking homework. I have to, otherwise I might as well get used to minimum wage.

Also, a shark.

Ring on my Keys

It didn't have to happen, but now that it has I guess I'll just have to deal with it. I would be lying if I told you it didn't hurt all the time. Yes, I hardly think about it, but that doesn't mean the scar isn't there.

The reasons he has given me are that somewhere down the road, far beyond where we were, but not so far that we hadn't foreseen that future, a problem would arise. I don't even know what that problem is. But he was so certain that it would destroy us, so he cut off the head before it could cause this foreshadowed danger.

There are two instances I can think of that may have led him to dislike me. Neither of which, I hope, were his religion. He was, is, will be LDS. I respect that more than most. I didn't, don't, will never care. At one point he explained that as long as I respected his faith, there would be no problem. And while I did on occasion send unpleasant vibes toward the LDS church, it was never toward the faith that its members held. Only the practices executed by such.

I would so love to be over this. Over him. But a part of me knows that if I move on too quickly it will have meant nothing. I held on as long as I could, and a few things remain, but I have discarded and purged as many memorabilia as I could find. That included his friends: which I was not happy to do. But the truth of the matter was being friends with them online caused my facebook feed to feature him as well. Not only him, but his new appearance.

He was always self conscience about his teeth. I could tell because he got quiet when I started talking about mine. The truth is they weren't great, but that didn't stop me from falling in love with his smile. After he changed his smile into something that was actually quite beautiful, I was forever unable to look at him in the same light. He had changed not only his teeth, but what they meant. I know it is the cynic in me that thinks he shouldn't smile more than he did, but he does. He flashes his chompers now more than ever. I honestly hate that. I wish that he would have had the courage to find beauty in what was. I wish he would have smiled more in pictures with his old smile. His new smile makes him a villain in my eyes. A foe to be avoided.

He also started growing out his hair. This is for the show Vernon God Little, for which he plays the lead. This too is unfortunate because long down hair doesn't fair well on him; he always looked so dapper with short. When he first started auditioning I was excited for him, but I didn't really know how to show it. Mostly because I was conflicted. I knew that if he got a good part, he would have less time for me. He got the lead. Where is he now? I probably should have been happier for him, because at the time I think that is what he really wanted. I think this is a contributing factor to our break up: my not having as much excitement over a part as he does. I think this is a factor because this will be his career. If I cannot handle all the good parts he gets, our future would be rocky. I had never considered this before. I wish I weren't a thinker like that. But more importantly, I wish he would have given me that chance.

I always wanted to hold his hand in public, and this, I think, also lead to our end. I wanted to kiss him on the streets. I wanted to be myself in front of everyone. He has always had some sort of guilt built into him; he always felt that by showing affection in public, we would offend people. We discussed it several times. I could never grasp that concept. Who cares what other people think? I wish I didn't push the subject as far or as often as I did (I just wanted to love him everywhere), but more importantly, I wish he could have just been himself to anyone.

I don't know what you're hiding, ***. But you cannot hide it forever. One day your heart will win. One day you'll realize that I loved you. One day you'll regret it.

And now I'm moving on. I'm moving at a much quicker pace than I did last time. Mostly because I don't want my life to be hung up on one person that clearly doesn't deserve my love. I don't want to waste away the opportunities that would other wise disappear. I cannot be sad forever, and forever is starting.

If one day I stop hating you... If. I don't know what I want from you then. I hope that one day I can look at you without getting sick to my stomach. Without feeling the dopamine release within. Without feeling like you were the one to break my heart the hardest it has ever broken. I hope that one day I can forget that you did that. I also hope that day never comes, because if it does, it will make me a liar--Remember when I said I would never stop loving you?

My Daemons Tell Me So

One more reason to dislike and distrust smaller and lesser humans: A child has convinced my immune system to compromise its strength to accept a virus of persuasion. Thus, I am ill. The last time I felt like this I was in arms, in a tent, and indoors. That sick was destined to fail because there was someone that took care of me. This sick might win because I refuse to be treated with lies. I feel drowsy, stuffy, runny-nosey... I can't sleep and I don't want to be awake. I can't even imagine drinking. WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

I always thought that I would control my own destiny, but now I think that I only influence it. Upon that discovery, I began making poor decisions, and regretting nothing. I drink more. I drink a lot more. Not to hide my pain, but to distract it. If I reach the bottom of a bottle, then I won't see the bottom of my heart. It's a sad thing really, but I am honestly having fun. Obviously the school year will slow such behavior. It's hard enough being a theatre student without the alcohol addiction.

YOLO comes to mind: You only live once. For that reason, I have a bucket list of things to accomplish before moving into adulthood. For reasons that I wish to neither discuss nor address, I will neither discuss nor address the items on my list.


As one may have noticed, I've become a bit of a cynic. I hate things that I've never hated before. I approve of actions that I've once reprimanded. I've lost even more faith in humanity. But, that isn't going to stop me from doing the things I want. Bitches ain't shit, through and through. Despite disliking happiness in couples and seeing people benefit from coexistence, I will push through with my eyes averted. Careful not to catch that nostalgic bug that is comfort in humanity. For now, I wish to be alone emotionally. I have a lot to do and I can't be held back.

There are, of course, exceptions. I will not be attending festivities on this Friday night due to my impaired health. This is a super bummer, but bummer is as bummer does and sometimes the virus wins.

Wish me luck in fighting my daemons. A tissue is my sword, a bed my steed.

As It Were.

I've always known myself to be a little irrational in situations. I get frustrated when waiting, and I am not generally a very patient person. The truth of the matter is I had it all. I loved my life. A great family, a really good education, amazing friends... I still have those things, but I did lose someone very important to me. Not by death or anything as permanent, but through a break up. He initially stated that he wanted a break, but through a string of flaws in this break (lack of communication, no ground rules, no knowledge of anything at all, etc.) the only thing he broke was my heart.

For some time I kept the illusion fresh in my head that one day soon he would come out of the idiot coma and see that I was madly in love with him. In reality, however, love isn't real for those that don't try. After so long of not being with him, I got impatient and I started pushing for answers. He didn't respond right away, instead I had to force out of him that he has no idea what he's doing. That's fine, people are allowed life crises. But when I'm on the other end, looking for that "light" at the end of the tunnel, something needs to change.

I could not just waste my summer away feeling like I could fix something. I knew this long before he said it. Actually, his exact words were, "I hate that I've become your summer." Here's the things about you, J.a.10, you're really cool. Like really really cool, but if you didn't try so hard to be so, it's almost as if you're nothing. So please try and understand that when you excuse yourself from my life completely, safe for the occasional one word text in response to me letting my heart out, you stop being so cool. You are NOT my summer. No one is, no one ever will be. You could have been part of it, but you chose not to be.

I wish you all the happiness in the world, but I wish everyone that luxury. Being unhappy sounds depressing. Let the record show that if you break my heart for a month without giving a meaningful apology, I will get angry and say mean things.

Let us take this moment to look at my future.

I do not deserve:

1. A child for a companion. A certain level of emotional maturity is required for my dating privileges.

2. Someone that is not willing to commit to the things they tell me. If one first says onelove me, stand by that statement. And maybe have some cheese in one's hand.

3. A liar. Do not tell me you're going to do something and procrastinate. That kind of behavior is not acceptable when someones heart is on the line.

4. Someone I cannot trust. "Trust that I love you." Bull shit, if you loved me you would have come to me with said problem and we could have faced it together. You betrayed me.

5. Someone who is too afraid to hold my hand. Man up. We live in a very forgiving society. Sometimes you just have to say to yourself, Bitches ain't shit. Be who you are, un-apologetically.

6. A mute. Use your words, especially with those you care about.

7. A force feeder. If I tell you I don't want a candy, do not buy me a candy. Beside that fact that I really don't want it, I will not eat it because you refused to listen to me.

8. Someone who doesn't know the difference between then and than. Take an interest in proper English. Only then will you learn the proper usage of the word than. (Please forgive all misspelled words and grammar mistakes: this is written out of anger.)

and finally,

9. Someone who dares leave me alone. I am a very loyal person and would NEVER stray, but if you are ok with taking that chance, then you have a lot to learn.

In One Fashion or Another.

It's that thing when you see everyone around you so happy, and you just want to rejoin them but you can't. I've been really unhappy this last week, but one may not have been able to tell. I've been keeping my mind extremely busy with friends. Different adventures, movie/dinner nights, parties, etc. All to keep me as occupied as possible. The thing is, when I stop doing and start thinking. I hate when I think. Every time I do that, I get super depressed. I googled some things this last week. One search revealed that I should try and think of only the bad things that happened in our relationship. But the thing is, I have the most difficult time doing that. Most of the things that suck were happening when he was unhappy. I cannot blame him for treating me poorly while considering a break. I can blame him for considering it, but that isn't really fair either. There were the occasional pet peeves, but even those, I can live with. The truth of the matter is we never had a fight that lasted more than 2 hours. We always solved our problems together. Discussing the event, expressing feelings, and working out a solution. We never went to be angry, and feelings never had the opportunity to fester and build. I'm so lost right now. I need him. I need him to come back to me. But if he's the person I've known for so long, then I know that he will. In one fashion or another.

Once Was Once Again.

It's funny, really. This blog was originally intended to express my feelings after having broken up with my second boyfriend. For a while, a long while (nearly 2 years), I did just that. But just as I began to feel more comfortable with the fact that I had been dumped by a person I cared so much for, my posts about him and my feelings grew fewer. Since that boy, I've been on many dates. Met great people, mended our relationship, and moved on. At one point, around 10 months ago, I met someone new. More than just a single-serving date, I began to see him regularly, then exclusively. As expected of me, I obsessed. Naturally, one gets carried away caring for someone special. I generally amplify those feelings by some immeasurable amount.

Our relationship started out great. I usually tell people we met in a restaurant. I was there with my friends, he with his. Our friends knew one another so we all sat together. He and I sat side by side and began talking, knowing that this just might lead somewhere. Every time we told the story, we would exaggerate a little bit more. Eventually, it became that we met in a suspended booth in a restaurant with fire walls in Vegas. I don't know how believable that was, but no one argued. In all actuality, we met online. He commented on a picture of mine, and we started talking. The relationship went great.

After 4 months, he told me he loved me and put a ring on my finger to prove it. After 9 months, he told me he loved me but couldn’t be with me.

I guess this is what Zooey did to Joseph. That bitch. It hurts. A lot.

I know that every good relationship must end at least once before it can work forever. I knew this around 5 months, too, and one day we broke up for ten minutes to ensure that it would never happen again. In hindsight, it was a waist of 10 minutes; they could have been spent more wisely.

I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. We have been off for some time now. I suppose it began when he told me how much his time alone is precious to him. I resented him for telling me that, knowing that it was because he thought we spent too much time together. I struggled with that resentment until a friend explained that some people just need to be alone. I don’t get sick of the people I love so I want to always be surrounded by them—others need their space. When I began to comprehend, though not understanding, I apologized to him, explaining that it wasn’t fair to think so poorly of the situation. But when the absence became stronger, when I wasn’t able to see him as often, the resentment grew.

The day he told me we are going on a break was the day I was going to tell him that I was unhappy. The only thing I’ve wanted these last few weeks was to be with the man I love. I don’t really know what he’s going through. I’m told that when a gaze is cast upon our future, something doesn’t add up. I’m banking on the fact that he’s bad at math, because when I look, everything seems perfect.

Perhaps we’re to blame, though, for letting the future cloud the present. We should not have committed so soon. Talked less about marriage, graduation, money, house, children, puppies. We should never have started the pinterest page about Our Life Together. Because now I have to go and delete it.

I hate being lied to and I hate being let down. Half of the contribution to our future was him: He seemed to want marriage and a life together just as much as I [do]. In my bedroom, he told me all these things. How we are taking a break (if anyone has any knowledge of what a break entails, please let me know) and how it is too much of me to ask that he not sleep with anyone until he knows that he doesn’t want to be with me. He asked for a hug before departing, and I granted him one. His shirt was soaked in tears, and mine was too. I have never seen him cry before. In fact, I had never really see him emote much more than excitement.

If he can ask me for a hug, I can ask for one last kiss. So I did. He licked his lips thinking that is what I meant, but instead I tilted his head down and kissed the freckle under his right eye. The very freckle that I’ve been kissing since I decided it was my favorite.

Surely were this a hand written letter, nearly every word would be smeared. I’m going to be in a hole for a while. Please be happy.