How I feel right now. You ask me how I feel right now? You want to know? You want to know how I feel... How I REALLY feel?

Ok.

First off, I am comfortable with myself. I like my body, with the exception of the fluff that will put a damper on hot tub season. I like to wear the clothes I own because I think they make me look good. I think I look good. Some might feel self conscious about their appearance... I'm just conscious. Aware. I know what is going on, but I am also ok with the fact that I can't change that. I know that I don't have perfect skin or eye brows. That is ok. If I see myself that way, then you see me that way.

Second, I like being alone. Mostly just because I don't have time to be with someone. Between work, school and homework, I am exhausted daily. That is not to say that I wouldn't mind having someone to cuddle with at night... But, honestly, even if I began to date someone, I feel that I may rush things (again) and it would just be another relationship over too soon. Yes, I like being alone. And what is more, I am good at it. I just need another blanket to protect me from the harshly frigid nights.

Third, I love going to school. I have felt that since I began a few years ago, school has gotten so much more fun and cool. I like seeing my friends everyday, I like learning all the things I am taught, and I love experiencing the incredible happenings that occur. That being said, I hate homework. I do it... but I usually do it right before it is due. I also hate my Spanish class, in addition to my History and Literature class. They suck.

Fourth, I like my job. I've always liked it. I am good at it. Everyone I work with is fun and cool and energetic. I've made some really great friends that I adore. I love that my work recognizes the hard work I do and they've given me raises and promoted me to shift leader. However, I hate when I do dumb things. Things that could have been avoided if I just put more thought into it, or spent more time analyzing the situation. I hate feeling dumb about my performance.

Fifth, I love my friends. Some of them are bitchy on occasion, and some of them are three hours late, but I love them. They make my world go round. I miss quite a few of them; I hope to change that. I want to see a lot of them more often than I do...

Sixth, I feel like the world is falling apart. Yes, we are actually making progress, but as I become more aware of the things going on on this Earth, it actually looks like we are getting worse. When I was little, nothing bothered me. I was so ignorant. My friends actually got me to tell my parents to vote for Bush. Luckily they saw that the opinion of a fourth grader was not valid and voted for Gore instead, but that just shows how little I knew! Now, I see war, death, violence, disease, poverty, hate, etc. It is a terrible place to live. And you can't escape it.

Finally, as always, I believe in the power of love.

I hope you got what you were looking for.

Higher Than Clouds

I know. I am aware. It is to be expected... And yet, when it happens again, I'll be surprised... Again.

A couple of days ago a friend from high school, Destree, posted on her FB page how she agreed with the new LDS president (What the hell happened to the old one?!). Packer was saying that man was put on this earth to replenish it-that lead to the subject of homosexuality. Because of this, Destree believes that gays are "unnatural and perverted." A few people commented and said either she was wrong or they agreed with her. I felt, naturally, that she is/was wrong. I put my cursor on the white box that said Comment here... and I clicked. I began to right. At first I didn't know how I wanted to approach the subject. I don't really like hearing the phrases, "I'm not gay but I still support them." I feel like no one ever said, "I'm not black but I think they should be able to share our water fountains." Isn't it obvious who is not black? And while it may not be as obvious, sexuality should not be defined in a defensive comment. So I began it with courage. "I'm gay," I said.

"I'm gay. I am not perverted. I don't feel I am unnatural. In fact, being the way I am is the most natural thing in the world for me." I went on saying what I believe and defining what is actually unnatural. I suggested that not all homosexuals are perverts and that most child abusers and sex offenders are "heterosexual." I ended my rant with a simple note. "I might add that we aren't looking to share our beliefs, we are merely looking for acceptance. Love has no gender."

Apparently, for Reese, another kid from high school, this did not fly. He began with, "Derek Williamson. Youre a dumb ass." Resisting the temptation to comment on the fact that he spelled you're wrong, I continued. Reese spoke of many things. None of which made sense. He got belligerent, violent, and rude. He spoke very highly of himself and his church (LDS, of course) and called me a faggot in passing. He demonstrated the utmost foul way of going about being a good person. Mind you, I cannot say I have ever really liked or disliked Reese. We were never friends. We went to high school together, but we never actually spoke. I found it funny, though, when he knocked up our Senior Class President in the back seat of a car in the parking lot of BYU, where she had a full ride scholarship. Why, you ask, did I find this funny? Because it is always funny when a dumb-ass gets pregnant! Haha, and he called me the dumb one?

His comment was not unnoticed, Adam, (another former class mate) took the more calm approach to explaining what Destree was trying to say. He said his church believes in marriage and family and all that great stuff that people believe that I will never have. Let me tell everyone here something, I'll be damned if I allow society to determine whether or not I will be allowed to have a husband or to start a family. I will be a far more fit parent than Reese, or my brother, or the 16 year old crack head in the alley.

Religion is the opium of the people. They thrive on it. They flock to it is going on sale the day after Thanksgiving. Without faith, people fail.

I believe in love. Above all things, I believe in love. With out it, I fail.