I sent him a text to ask if he missed me or not. When you break up with someone you often wonder if they miss you as much as you miss them. While he says that he does in fact miss me, I'm confident that he's happy without me. Which leads me to my next point... I need to be happy without him. Yes, I have my friends. They're the real love of my life, but even as they try, they can't be the one you truly fall in love with. They're not the ones that leave smiles on your face every time you wake up. They are wonderful, but they're not that person. They will hold you when you're sad, as best friends should, but they don't hold you when you're happy, cold or just for fun.
When asked what makes me cry, I had to think about it. I hadn't cried for ages. It used to be the lack of attention that I got. The strangling situations my brothers put me through, and just other highly emotional middle-child bullshit. Now... Now it is different. Aside from movies or sad stories that leave tears in the corner of my eyes, the only thing that can get them running down my cheek is a boy. After Nick and I finally broke up, I cried for as long as I could before I had to actually get out of my car and get ready to go on stage. When Taylor and I broke up, I cried in his car, and then in my car. And then in my bed, and everyday for a week or so. Even after that, after the recovery period, I had my occasional slip. A song, an image, a thought. Anything that reminded me of him would send a signal to my brain telling me that it was time to open the flood gates.
After asking if he missed me, I had to tell him what I thought. I think that he and I aren't friends. We never were. We never will be. We never really had the opportunity before we started dating, and after. Well, after he told me that he would continue talking to me because I told him that I would feel like I lost one of my best friends if he didn't. Did he? Obviously he didn't. If he had, I would've been able to move on long before. I would have had the opportunity to see him as only a friend and nothing more. Instead, I see his name and break down.
I didn't just let this happen. I tried talking to him. Quite often for having had my heart broken. He never made an effort to return the favor. I personally don't understand how you can go from dating someone to just not talking to them at all. So quickly. It isn't like we broke up over a fight. We simply stopped dating. Against my will. If I were to work harder to be his friend, what would I find? Would I find that he is doing very well in school, that his social work dreams are coming true? or would I find that he has done poorly, so so, or dropped out of his dream completely. If that the case is that he is doing well in his field, then I would see no hope for ever being able to see him again. After all, the reason we broke up was because I wasn't the number one seller on his mind. He wanted to focus all his energy on one thing; School. That is great. I completely understand. I was supportive and I didn't fight it. He will change the world someday. He already has. But changing the world doesn't include me. However, if he is doing poorly, then I would resent him for not trying to see me again. With all his spare time, he should be able to fit me back into his life, shouldn't he? Or maybe I don't deserve that privilege.
Honestly, I hope he is doing well. I hope that all his actions and my heart ache is justified. I also hope that I can move on. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to find someone, if finding someone just makes me cry. What I really want is to be ok. I just want to be ok with wherever I am. Right now I am lonely, but that is only because I miss the feeling of someone caring for me. I miss someone holding me when I'm happy. I miss being happy enough to be held.
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