Dog as an Anagram.

Every time I try to determine my religious views in a blog or on paper, I struggle on whether or not to capitalize the word "God."

On the occasions that I write god, I assume he/she will proof read it and change it for me, before it is submitted. Or is it me who is motivated enough, hopeful enough, to write God? Am I the one who decides? If I write god, will God punish me? If I were to write God, would god himself/herself be disappointed?

It doesn't ever change before submission, which leads me to ask, "How do people spell my name?" Does derek even care? Do people lie awake and think about Derek, derek, or just about [Gee] oh Dee?

Murky Waters

I just keep telling myself that things are ok. That I am ok. And yet, when I see pictures of him, my chest starts pounding. I literally just hid him from my news feed on facebook. I don't want to delete him, because I know what that is like... But at the same time, I'm sure he wouldn't notice if I were gone.

The worst part about it is that I can only hide him until I refresh the page. Then he is back in all his glory. Mocking me. Hurting me. I wish this would end.

Not just another day, but everyday.

I never really got a chance to catch our fall. I never got a chance to put up my defenses. Within a flash, it was all over. No dramatic music, no foreshadowing. It just happened. The only clue I got was that night at dinner, he seemed so distant. I didn't catch on until I noticed he wasn't holding my hand. God, I still feel the same pain I felt that night. It hurts to think about it. I really have nothing sacred. Nothing that doesn't remind me of him. After all these months, days, hours, minutes, seconds... after all this time, he still passes through my thoughts most every second. It is almost as if he left yesterday, or today for that matter. I try to keep my mind occupied on other things, but it doesn't really work.

The truth is, if he talked to me, it would be different. If we saw each other every once in a while, I would see him as just another friend whom I used to date. But the cold truth is that he doesn't talk to me. We don't see each other. I doubt he even thinks about me. I doubt he's going through what I am.

The sad thing is, if he were to talk to me again, I would take him back. I suppose it isn't really that sad considering it was the best thing I've ever had. We never had a falling out. We never had a fight. We never did anything to each other that would make it a better life to live apart. I would love to take him back. In fact, that is what I think about. I think about how we dated, and how it is possible we will one day date again. I just wish I knew that was a true thing.

I still hate this.