My Daemons Tell Me So

One more reason to dislike and distrust smaller and lesser humans: A child has convinced my immune system to compromise its strength to accept a virus of persuasion. Thus, I am ill. The last time I felt like this I was in arms, in a tent, and indoors. That sick was destined to fail because there was someone that took care of me. This sick might win because I refuse to be treated with lies. I feel drowsy, stuffy, runny-nosey... I can't sleep and I don't want to be awake. I can't even imagine drinking. WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

I always thought that I would control my own destiny, but now I think that I only influence it. Upon that discovery, I began making poor decisions, and regretting nothing. I drink more. I drink a lot more. Not to hide my pain, but to distract it. If I reach the bottom of a bottle, then I won't see the bottom of my heart. It's a sad thing really, but I am honestly having fun. Obviously the school year will slow such behavior. It's hard enough being a theatre student without the alcohol addiction.

YOLO comes to mind: You only live once. For that reason, I have a bucket list of things to accomplish before moving into adulthood. For reasons that I wish to neither discuss nor address, I will neither discuss nor address the items on my list.


As one may have noticed, I've become a bit of a cynic. I hate things that I've never hated before. I approve of actions that I've once reprimanded. I've lost even more faith in humanity. But, that isn't going to stop me from doing the things I want. Bitches ain't shit, through and through. Despite disliking happiness in couples and seeing people benefit from coexistence, I will push through with my eyes averted. Careful not to catch that nostalgic bug that is comfort in humanity. For now, I wish to be alone emotionally. I have a lot to do and I can't be held back.

There are, of course, exceptions. I will not be attending festivities on this Friday night due to my impaired health. This is a super bummer, but bummer is as bummer does and sometimes the virus wins.

Wish me luck in fighting my daemons. A tissue is my sword, a bed my steed.

As It Were.

I've always known myself to be a little irrational in situations. I get frustrated when waiting, and I am not generally a very patient person. The truth of the matter is I had it all. I loved my life. A great family, a really good education, amazing friends... I still have those things, but I did lose someone very important to me. Not by death or anything as permanent, but through a break up. He initially stated that he wanted a break, but through a string of flaws in this break (lack of communication, no ground rules, no knowledge of anything at all, etc.) the only thing he broke was my heart.

For some time I kept the illusion fresh in my head that one day soon he would come out of the idiot coma and see that I was madly in love with him. In reality, however, love isn't real for those that don't try. After so long of not being with him, I got impatient and I started pushing for answers. He didn't respond right away, instead I had to force out of him that he has no idea what he's doing. That's fine, people are allowed life crises. But when I'm on the other end, looking for that "light" at the end of the tunnel, something needs to change.

I could not just waste my summer away feeling like I could fix something. I knew this long before he said it. Actually, his exact words were, "I hate that I've become your summer." Here's the things about you, J.a.10, you're really cool. Like really really cool, but if you didn't try so hard to be so, it's almost as if you're nothing. So please try and understand that when you excuse yourself from my life completely, safe for the occasional one word text in response to me letting my heart out, you stop being so cool. You are NOT my summer. No one is, no one ever will be. You could have been part of it, but you chose not to be.

I wish you all the happiness in the world, but I wish everyone that luxury. Being unhappy sounds depressing. Let the record show that if you break my heart for a month without giving a meaningful apology, I will get angry and say mean things.

Let us take this moment to look at my future.

I do not deserve:

1. A child for a companion. A certain level of emotional maturity is required for my dating privileges.

2. Someone that is not willing to commit to the things they tell me. If one first says onelove me, stand by that statement. And maybe have some cheese in one's hand.

3. A liar. Do not tell me you're going to do something and procrastinate. That kind of behavior is not acceptable when someones heart is on the line.

4. Someone I cannot trust. "Trust that I love you." Bull shit, if you loved me you would have come to me with said problem and we could have faced it together. You betrayed me.

5. Someone who is too afraid to hold my hand. Man up. We live in a very forgiving society. Sometimes you just have to say to yourself, Bitches ain't shit. Be who you are, un-apologetically.

6. A mute. Use your words, especially with those you care about.

7. A force feeder. If I tell you I don't want a candy, do not buy me a candy. Beside that fact that I really don't want it, I will not eat it because you refused to listen to me.

8. Someone who doesn't know the difference between then and than. Take an interest in proper English. Only then will you learn the proper usage of the word than. (Please forgive all misspelled words and grammar mistakes: this is written out of anger.)

and finally,

9. Someone who dares leave me alone. I am a very loyal person and would NEVER stray, but if you are ok with taking that chance, then you have a lot to learn.