Tired of drowning.

It doesn't hurt. Not anymore. These are the words I keep tellimg myself. The longer I say it, the more it becomes true.

Life goes on. They were all right. It was not the end. Existance doesn't suddenly cease just because one boy is gone. Or two...

I like to think that I've become more independant these last nine months. I've taken a rather rocky approach to words of confidence, but I believe I've reached my destination just the same. I'm happy to just be me. but that won't stop me from my mission of finding us.

My expectations and reality are so completely different. That is to say that my expectations are really more like day dreams; dreams that I alone cannot make come true (my dreams involve a second half). This is becuase I'm not dreaming the proper dream; I dream of us. So far, every fish has succedded in snapping my line. That is okay, though; I hate fishing. What I am doing is just living my life on a boat (mother fucker), while trolling an invisible, sturdy line behind me, without attention. This means, If someone bites, neat; if not, neat. If no fish takes the line, at least I'm on the lake. Or in the lake...

Don't look at me.

Some times I feel like I'm a bitch. I am aware of the idea that I am an attractive person. I like to think I am more attractive than I probably am, but that is just me being the narcissist I am. Anyway, the point is, I spend time trying to look my best, as everyone does.

It used to be that I saw myself as the ugliest, biggest person in our group of friends. Now, after I've changed my body image, I feel more confident. I don't have to wear a t-shirt under all my clothes to soften the weird bumps my body had, and I am completely comfortable taking off my shirt to go swimming with my friends, now.

Chelsea and I have talked about how when we are sexy, we're not going to use our powers for evil; we'll only use them for good. This means, we're not allowed to be a bitch to ugly people, etc. Something that I do, that I've contiplated whether or not it is okay to do or not, is looking in the direction of girls, smiling, and flirting with them a little by winking. I know that I am gay. I know that I am not going to ask them out or anything, but they don't. They don't know that I'm actually not interested. As far as they know, I am just a cute boy who has taken notice of their image. The key to the concept, is I usually do it to the girls who look not as confident. To the self conscious girls who look like they worry about what other people think. Who look like they don't get very much attention. I know it is rude of me to be able to pic those girls out, but when you're not confident, it shows.

The girl that wrote the post from Six Billion Secrets could very well have been one of the girls I've given the confidence to feel beauty to. Maybe I don't actually have that effect on people....

But maybe I do.

Do not collect 200 dollars.

I can't express how hard it is for me to imagine a world outside the one we're in. I live an everyday life; I go to work, I come home, I go to sleep. Everyday. I live an ordinary enough life. I go to church on Sunday. I pray, I worship, I read and I try to stay awake. Just as any one else will do on the Lords day. I live at home, still, with my parents. I moved out once. To Europe. About a year out of high school I got called on my LDS mission to Europe. It didn't work out. I was sent home dishonorably. With the promise of returning if I straitened up, and acted according to standards. The only thing I want in life is to make my mother proud, so, without a second thought, I accepted the second chance. This could have possibly been the worst mistake I have ever made.

I am not happy. I do not look forward to my life nor my future. I don't want to return to my mission. I don't want to return to anything. I am so miserable. So very miserable. I live a life of melancholy, but that is normal enough.

I haven't dreamed in a very long time. Not because I am unable to, but because it hurts too much. I used to spend so much time in my thoughts, thinking about everything magical and beautiful. I loved escaping to my mind. I'd find that things were different. Things were perfect. I could be happy, free and loved. I know it sounds great, but bliss is so wrong. I don't deserve to be happy. I knew this, and the second I came to terms with it, I stopped dreaming. It is all for the best. Dreaming a beautiful dream and then returning to reality sent waves of pain across my heart forming a mark I have come to know as nothing. When I know that tomorrow is a simile to today, I move forward. I would like to say that I wish for yesterday, or a different tomorrow, but I don't wish either. Right now I just go.

I've heard that a man who is fifty that lives his life the same he did when he was thirty has spent twenty years waisted. He didn't learn anything. He didn't gain anything. He just kept living the life he always had. I do the same. I'll probably return to Europe. I'll probably die in my sleep. No. The sad thing is I won't.

My name is Bradley Johnson, and I dream of electric sheep.