The man behind the curtain.

I wasn't supposed to know it existed, after all, he never spoke of it while we were together. He always wrote in his journal, sometimes telling me that I was the subject of conversation. I never meant to find it, but I did. I stumbled across his blog. His online journal. I was looking at the profile of a mutual friend, and saw that she (possibly they... I haven't found out if they're keeping it as a couple, or if one just has guest entry's) was following. It was called "Captain Oats" or something similar. Thinking it was a reference to the Captain Oats featured on the "OC," I pondered. Looking almost immediate to the side, after noticing the dull and boring back drop, I saw picture that sent shivers down my spine. There was no mistaking it, this was his blog.

After taking a few seconds to contemplate if I should read or just go back to facebook, I start looking for my name. I didn't do it on purpose, but something inside me kept searching. I soon found that there hadn't been too many posts. I find one, fourth from the top, submitted at the end of September. Thinking back to when We broke up, I find that this was while we were still together. Looking for a more recent post, I find what I'm looking for. I had just started reading when I realize it is what I don't want to be reading. It isn't a happy memory, nor a sexy one. It is the only memory I have with him that made/makes me cry. As I continue reading, I find that this premeditated thought had been rehearsed. I find that he was forced to pretend to be enjoying my company. I find that I don't like this anymore than I used to.

My heart begins to pound as I read. Each little memory of the night coming back to me. I correct him in my head, saying things like, "I didn't say that." "That didn't happen." The point was that the story is right on, it is just told slightly different. Each letter I read brings painful sighs back. My breathing gets louder and my arms begin to pulse. He was worried about what kind of cryer I am. Not the fact that I was about to have my heart broken, but whether or not he was going to get wet from tears or have to plug his ears as I sobbed.

I force myself to keep reading, all the while thinking, "I don't want to hear this." Despite everything I've led myself to think about our relationship, I draw back to the perspective that our relationship was just fun for him. Why am I hurting so bad when he just saw it as another silly old experience.

I feel like a fool for having cried in front of him. He didn't earn that right. I should have never showed my heart to him. And although I didn't exactly say that I loved him, something along those lines sure showed as I cried in his car.

When we were together, I made a bracelet. I used the rope that I found back stage, and I tied it to my wrist. I thought it was so cool, despite the fact that it was so simple compared to the other bracelets I make. Loving it, I made him one too. I gave it to him and he said he liked it. Reading his entry, he writes about how before leaving his car as a goodbye, I removed the bracelet and stuffed it in my pocket. At the time, that was a symbol that things were over. By putting that black rope in my jacket pocket, I was letting him know how much I cared about him. I was telling him that every time I looked at my wrist, I would think of him. And when I removed it, he finally understood that. As told, the thing that went through his head was no longer guilt (as it had been the feeling after seeing me cry) but instead justification. He writes that he had never put on the bracelet. Showing that it is just another testimonial that I am not/was not that important to him.

I thought that was what separated him from Nick. I thought that he was the guy who actually took notice of me, who appreciated me. That was one of the things I loved most.

I was wrong.

Moving on.

It is finally time. I've spent too long being attached to the idea of still dating Taylor Horn. I miss him and will probably always miss him, but most every time I think about him I get sad. Therefore, I have decided to part ways with him.

I sent him a text to ask if he missed me or not. When you break up with someone you often wonder if they miss you as much as you miss them. While he says that he does in fact miss me, I'm confident that he's happy without me. Which leads me to my next point... I need to be happy without him. Yes, I have my friends. They're the real love of my life, but even as they try, they can't be the one you truly fall in love with. They're not the ones that leave smiles on your face every time you wake up. They are wonderful, but they're not that person. They will hold you when you're sad, as best friends should, but they don't hold you when you're happy, cold or just for fun.

When asked what makes me cry, I had to think about it. I hadn't cried for ages. It used to be the lack of attention that I got. The strangling situations my brothers put me through, and just other highly emotional middle-child bullshit. Now... Now it is different. Aside from movies or sad stories that leave tears in the corner of my eyes, the only thing that can get them running down my cheek is a boy. After Nick and I finally broke up, I cried for as long as I could before I had to actually get out of my car and get ready to go on stage. When Taylor and I broke up, I cried in his car, and then in my car. And then in my bed, and everyday for a week or so. Even after that, after the recovery period, I had my occasional slip. A song, an image, a thought. Anything that reminded me of him would send a signal to my brain telling me that it was time to open the flood gates.

After asking if he missed me, I had to tell him what I thought. I think that he and I aren't friends. We never were. We never will be. We never really had the opportunity before we started dating, and after. Well, after he told me that he would continue talking to me because I told him that I would feel like I lost one of my best friends if he didn't. Did he? Obviously he didn't. If he had, I would've been able to move on long before. I would have had the opportunity to see him as only a friend and nothing more. Instead, I see his name and break down.

I didn't just let this happen. I tried talking to him. Quite often for having had my heart broken. He never made an effort to return the favor. I personally don't understand how you can go from dating someone to just not talking to them at all. So quickly. It isn't like we broke up over a fight. We simply stopped dating. Against my will. If I were to work harder to be his friend, what would I find? Would I find that he is doing very well in school, that his social work dreams are coming true? or would I find that he has done poorly, so so, or dropped out of his dream completely. If that the case is that he is doing well in his field, then I would see no hope for ever being able to see him again. After all, the reason we broke up was because I wasn't the number one seller on his mind. He wanted to focus all his energy on one thing; School. That is great. I completely understand. I was supportive and I didn't fight it. He will change the world someday. He already has. But changing the world doesn't include me. However, if he is doing poorly, then I would resent him for not trying to see me again. With all his spare time, he should be able to fit me back into his life, shouldn't he? Or maybe I don't deserve that privilege.

Honestly, I hope he is doing well. I hope that all his actions and my heart ache is justified. I also hope that I can move on. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to find someone, if finding someone just makes me cry. What I really want is to be ok. I just want to be ok with wherever I am. Right now I am lonely, but that is only because I miss the feeling of someone caring for me. I miss someone holding me when I'm happy. I miss being happy enough to be held.