From the Safety of my Car, I Yell

My new bedroom in Logan has a window that is parallel to the street out front. This is a busy street. The complex we are staying at has a parking lot (full of stalls that are too small for most cars) that fits right between my window and the road. Now I'm not saying I'm incredibly surprised, as this town barely has 2 bars, but when a gang of youths drives by and screams at my friends that are sitting on their porch out front the complex having a good time, I... I start to feel.

The phrase they screams wasn't nice. Rather, the words themselves were harmless, but the tone and context was hurtful. "Look at all those gay kids out front! Look at all those gay kids!" For those of you that don't know, I am working with a theatre company here in Logan, UT for the summer. And yes, many of us are gay. Especially the men. That's what happens in theatre. I can only assume that those in the car driving by were not gay. Or maybe they were... I don't know. What I do know is how it made me feel.

Upon first hearing it, I wanted to chase them down. But as I am in my bed, not wearing pants, and in no way capable of flying or rapid movement, I was forced to feel something else. My second thought was to yell out of my window, "I think you're all beautiful!" But just like that time I tried to sound like a crashing car, I knew immediately that I would not sound like a speeding car filled with more loving support... I instead did nothing. Because that is who we are as people.

We leave each other to deal with our pain alone. Though those jerks were screaming at my friends outside, they were talking about me, too. Because I am one of those gay kids. It reminds me of the time a transient woman lashed out about Ellen Degeneres' alleged divorce. "That's disgusting. Look at this. This is a woman married to another woman. She must of had a shit father." To which I mouse-ly replied, "I'm sure she had a wonderful father." I then completed my transaction and went on my way, only to regret not having a stronger voice in the matter. I don't know how to be the advocate that we need. I want to show people that we are all capable of being good people, that we are all capable of having real and good love. I want to do that without being violent... But my first instinct was to chase those youths down and be aggressive.

This is it. This is the place. The place where we as a society foster a mind set that hurts people.

The only person I've ever loved got married this weekend.

I don't recognize these feelings.