A Look at the Stars

My previous entry was a letter I wrote to my old boyfriend. Note that I called him an old boyfriend instead of an ex. I had heard once that ex was a harsh word and usually noted a demeanor of depression or ill feelings toward the relationship. Well I'm happy to announce I no longer have any ex boyfriends. I only have old relationships.

This is a big stepping stone in my life because for too long, about a year, as per usual, this breakup has haunted me. It actually turned me into a different person. Not so much a different person, but a more cynical one. I still found comfort in the same things, friends, giggling, beer & pizza... And I still liked the same movies (new favorite: Safety Not Guaranteed. Also, stoked for: The Way Way Back), I still liked the same music (though a phase of Adele did hit my ipod every few weeks), I still followed my same dreams. But still, I stopped announcing I was happy for people's engagements, and I stopped giving advice, knowing that eventually all relationships fell apart. I even began to see my misery as the only misery there was.

This last ail was especially difficult to handle. I could see people I love break down before me and I would look at them in wonder how they could possible think they hurt more than me. That notion is ridiculous, especially when compared to my friend who is now an ex-wife of a teenager-seeking-adulterer. I could see my friend dying and I could feel nothing for them, simply offer them a look at the stars.

This has all changed because I've come to peace with my broken heart. And you know what? I'm ok.

I even met a boy. I like him. A lot. He's a 3rd grade teacher starting his first year this fall. It is fascinating to watch him get excited about his classroom. Additionally, he is a good segway to my news. I've passed my CAAP exam, and pending my final scores in my Math Class of Death, I will begin my Teaching block in the fall. I cannot express how ready I am to get MY own classroom. I hope this boy likes me, too. We're taking it much much slower than my other relationships.

Already we've gone on about 10 date-ish things and have declared nothing. This is so unlike how I usually operate, but I'm in no rush. I'm just rediscovering that I have a heart, and how it feels to feel excited about a boy again.

The stars have helped me feel again.