Celebrate

Every year my parents take a trip to Cancun for their anniversary. That time of year is upon us, and in fact, they depart on Thursday. It being their 28th year of marriage together, they deserve to go. I love that they go. I am so fortunate that they still love each other because many marriages don’t quite make it these days.

I have seen a number of couples hitch themselves recently, most of whom are young: VERY YOUNG. Few have finished college, let alone begun adulthood. Several of these marriages have ended and abruptly.

To prepare my brothers and I for the ten days that they’ll be away and not here to be our parents, we took a trip to Walmart for foods. While my brothers got things for meals, I am so rarely home for dinners and just picked small, portable things. When in the checkout line, my parents agreed to buy me both gum and a chapstick. I love them for that!

The lady that checked us out was wearing a lanyard that read LEGALIZE over and over with a different color for each letter. Essentially making a rainbow. My father inquired as to what she wanted to legalize, thinking it may be for pot. The lady picked her lanyard with her fingers and unapologetically began. “Gay marriage,” she said.

My father has a gay son but I’ve never actually known how he felt about the equality movement. I never believed that he was against it, but not sure if he felt in any particular direction. I had always assumed he was Switzerland.

“Oh, nice,” my father replied.

“Gay marriage and gay rights. I don’t expect it to happen tomorrow, but some day” the lady added.

“Well look how far we’ve come so far” as if he was part of the movement. Like he genuinely believed in the cause. “A lot of progress has been made in five years.”

I was honestly expecting my dad to add, “My son is gay.” As if having a gay son decides for him which side of the fence he sits on. Similar to saying, “I’m not racist, my uncle is black.” Despite having a black uncle, one could easily be discriminatory against black people. Simply liking one person in a sample does not negate the rest of someone’s behavior toward that sample as a whole.

"Well, when the day comes, I'll vote for it."

He never added anything about me. I didn’t, either. It was actually really nice to see my father act accordingly, as if I wasn’t there. I do believe that he wants to see me have my 28th anniversary one day in Cancun. This is just one more of the little things that my family does to celebrate my different interest in love, including my grandmother basically trying to set me up on dates with handsome, 40-year-old rich men.

I love my family.

The Day After Today

The semester is about to begin again and I cannot help but be excited. My classes aren't as daunting as they usually are, but my work schedule is. For some, an early morning is routine. For me that is not the case. I must wake and prepare myself every week-day morning for a shift at 7:30am; I got a job at a testing center on campus. I actually quite enjoy it. All in all, it is very simple and works very well with my demanding education, but the hours kill me. I cannot function that early and often nearly dose off on route to the office. After work, I attend 3-4 hours of class. I am a full time student with 18+ credit hours. Luckily Alax and I have very similar schedules and we get hungry at the same time: this affords us the opportunity to eat lunch together, bitch about the people we despise, and calm ourselves the the monster that is Educational Theatre. After a hearty meal, we get to work. Building, rehearsing, plotting, dancing, etc. takes its toll until it is near midnight. Then I get to go home and sleep.

Even with a filled day, it becomes increasingly clear that I am meant for art. I love my school and my education it delivers. I love the work I do for my department, and "meh" over literally everything else that has to do with my day. Even during my semester break, I only find joy in those tasks related to art. One day I won't have to worry about trivial things: the most of my shit will be focused on the thing I love to do.

David Sedaris says is it best in his book, Me Talk Pretty Some Day, and it becomes clear that "In order to get the things I want, [I have to] pretend I'm a figure in a daytime drama, a schemer. They ball up their fists and state their goals out loud. 'I will destroy Buchanan Enterprises,' they say. 'Phoebe Wallingford will pay for what she's done to our family." Sitting here in my bed I know three things are certain.
I will finish school in the spring of 2014.
I will become a theatre teacher at a high school.
I will change minds about art. Everyday.
Looking ahead at my dreams, I need only set my sights. That's easy enough. "You will be mine,' I command."

My mind and body have been growing for a very long time now. Each new experience contributing to where I am now: which is nowhere. I have absolutely no idea where I am right now. I don't know what I want (except the aforementioned goals) and I don't know when I want it.

My summer breakup left me so badly scarred that I changed who I was. The thinking behind that change was due to the fact that the person I had fallen in love with, and whom I believed to reciprocate those feelings, stopped caring for me. My mind convinced me that I was not good enough. I sought escape from that terror by means of expression. I began to drink more (though, no more than any average college student), I decided I would get a tattoo (previously thinking it would never happen) (still hasn't but will), and I became a cynic.

Never once did I feel any need to take my own life, but I did have a very dark view of the world from that moment on. This past year may have been great, but I don't remember it like that. Now that 2013 is upon us, I am forcing myself to come to terms with what happened. I usually just push uncomfortable information out of my mind; I go numb. But reality is I got dumped, I started drinking, I broke laws, and did some bad shit. Nothing that would make me hate myself, but still. Things I'm not proud of.

In facing the truth, I've set a few goals for the new year. Many refer to them as resolutions, but in light of the new digital-quality jokes (1080p) I think we should just call them goals. To make myself a better human, to feel more comfortable as me, I must make myself change. The things I want include a steady mind, a sturdy body, and a functioning liver. To achieve these things, I'll do:

1. Drink less. Only consume alcohol on birthdays and when not in Utah.
2. Get fit. I'm going to try and run everyday: and hopefully do some lifting too.
3. Use clippers. I bite my nails and I don't really want to, so I'll change that.

My hope is that in a week I'll have six pack abs, perfect nails and cuticles, and be sipping a daiquiri by the pool at a friends birthday party in L.A. The reality of this is not anything close. In a week, I'll probably weigh the same as I do now, but be considerably more endurant, have shiny nails, because I'm coating them, and be drinking water in my bed as I read or do homework. Life is a bitch, but to be the better person, I have to change some shit.

I don't expect him to come crawling back after I do these things. I don't want him to. Forcing myself to view our relationship has been eye opening. Maybe I'm remembering it wrong, but as I recall, the only time he ever loved me was behind closed doors. It took a romantic holiday centered around love to get him to hold my hand above the table in a restaurant. That kind of behavior is what justifies closed minds. The notion that gay is related to sex only causes people to lose sight of same sex love.

One day someone will appreciate and love me from head to toe, in any light. He will be my boyfriend in any situation. He will know how hard I've worked to get to where I am and He will appreciate that. He will recognize that it was a very intoxicated December that set all this into motion, and that my six pack abs glisten in the sunlight. He will notice how great my finger nails look and comment that I should be a hand model. And he will get me a glass of juice just as easily as a beer from the fridge in our apartment in the city we love.

These are all the things we can look forward to in the new year. That and more as the world becomes more accepting. Also, working out is hard and eating healthy is even harder! Since sitting down this evening to watch a movie and relax, I've had about three different snacks. And while they are a bit less caloric than my regular foods, they were still consumed well after a time in which food can be healthily digested. Oh well, maybe I'll have better luck tomorrow night.

I love you bitches, you cool cats. K?