The reasons he has given me are that somewhere down the road, far beyond where we were, but not so far that we hadn't foreseen that future, a problem would arise. I don't even know what that problem is. But he was so certain that it would destroy us, so he cut off the head before it could cause this foreshadowed danger.
There are two instances I can think of that may have led him to dislike me. Neither of which, I hope, were his religion. He was, is, will be LDS. I respect that more than most. I didn't, don't, will never care. At one point he explained that as long as I respected his faith, there would be no problem. And while I did on occasion send unpleasant vibes toward the LDS church, it was never toward the faith that its members held. Only the practices executed by such.
I would so love to be over this. Over him. But a part of me knows that if I move on too quickly it will have meant nothing. I held on as long as I could, and a few things remain, but I have discarded and purged as many memorabilia as I could find. That included his friends: which I was not happy to do. But the truth of the matter was being friends with them online caused my facebook feed to feature him as well. Not only him, but his new appearance.
He was always self conscience about his teeth. I could tell because he got quiet when I started talking about mine. The truth is they weren't great, but that didn't stop me from falling in love with his smile. After he changed his smile into something that was actually quite beautiful, I was forever unable to look at him in the same light. He had changed not only his teeth, but what they meant. I know it is the cynic in me that thinks he shouldn't smile more than he did, but he does. He flashes his chompers now more than ever. I honestly hate that. I wish that he would have had the courage to find beauty in what was. I wish he would have smiled more in pictures with his old smile. His new smile makes him a villain in my eyes. A foe to be avoided.
He also started growing out his hair. This is for the show Vernon God Little, for which he plays the lead. This too is unfortunate because long down hair doesn't fair well on him; he always looked so dapper with short. When he first started auditioning I was excited for him, but I didn't really know how to show it. Mostly because I was conflicted. I knew that if he got a good part, he would have less time for me. He got the lead. Where is he now? I probably should have been happier for him, because at the time I think that is what he really wanted. I think this is a contributing factor to our break up: my not having as much excitement over a part as he does. I think this is a factor because this will be his career. If I cannot handle all the good parts he gets, our future would be rocky. I had never considered this before. I wish I weren't a thinker like that. But more importantly, I wish he would have given me that chance.
I always wanted to hold his hand in public, and this, I think, also lead to our end. I wanted to kiss him on the streets. I wanted to be myself in front of everyone. He has always had some sort of guilt built into him; he always felt that by showing affection in public, we would offend people. We discussed it several times. I could never grasp that concept. Who cares what other people think? I wish I didn't push the subject as far or as often as I did (I just wanted to love him everywhere), but more importantly, I wish he could have just been himself to anyone.
I don't know what you're hiding, ***. But you cannot hide it forever. One day your heart will win. One day you'll realize that I loved you. One day you'll regret it.
And now I'm moving on. I'm moving at a much quicker pace than I did last time. Mostly because I don't want my life to be hung up on one person that clearly doesn't deserve my love. I don't want to waste away the opportunities that would other wise disappear. I cannot be sad forever, and forever is starting.
If one day I stop hating you... If. I don't know what I want from you then. I hope that one day I can look at you without getting sick to my stomach. Without feeling the dopamine release within. Without feeling like you were the one to break my heart the hardest it has ever broken. I hope that one day I can forget that you did that. I also hope that day never comes, because if it does, it will make me a liar--Remember when I said I would never stop loving you?
